All wars start over territorial matters. Now think of your identity as a territory and your boundaries as your property lines.

A homeowner who knows the location of his property lines is able to use the information to avoid legal disputes. Property lines, or boundary lines, are the defined points where one person’s land ends and the neighboring lands begin. A property owner uses boundary lines to determine where to legally place desired items. Erecting a structure, such as a fence, or using a part of another person’s land can lead to lawsuits and unpleasant situations with neighbors. 

Within our property lines lays our true identity, what is inherently proprietary or proper about who we are: from the Latin root proprius: meaning ‘one’s own, special.

This is why if you see boundaries as property lines you will not see them as right or wrong, but as personal and proper. You are like a “property owner” who negotiates their boundaries without debate because it’s their right. When we let others know where our boundaries are it’s an invitation to embrace and accept what is genuine about us in a genuine way. This gives everyone a choice. With some people a handshake is all we will need to honor our boundaries. With others, large fences with signs that say keep out will be necessary. Always in mind that it is our responsibility to honor our boundaries and that of others.

“When we fail to set boundaries and hold people accountable, we feel used and mistreated. This is why we sometimes attack who they are, which is far more hurtful than addressing a behavior or a choice.”
― Brené Brown,

People who avoid boundaries to avoid confrontation or dispute see boundaries as lines in the sand that can easily be erased and redrawn, or blown away altogether. They believe a boundary conversation will most likely lead to a battle they will lose because they won’t be able to defend it. They often feel helpless and resentful or end up in relationships that are quarrelsome. If people who trust boundaries are like property owners or “Boundary Owners”, people who avoid boundaries are more like “Boundary Squatters”, afraid to lay down boundaries for fear of being wrong, rejected or judged.

Let’s take the example of a woman who “should’a known” better than to borrow her roommate’s new sweater with tags still on it, without asking.” Roommates often agree to borrow each other’s clothes all the time but in this case an unspoken boundary got crossed when one of them borrowed new clothes without asking permission first.

“Boundary Owners” don’t see this as a problem but as an opportunity to reinforce and communicate a boundary meant to make relationships or situations stronger and trustworthy. They are open to negotiate boundaries to reach a mutually beneficial agreement. Which means that while borrowing something new is not up for debate, asking about it may be.

A “Boundary Squatter” believes boundaries are up for debate. Fearing that a boundary negotiation will end up in rejection or judgment, they will vent to others about the roommate being inconsiderate and why she shouldn’t be the one to have to tell her because they feel they can’t win the debate in real life.

If people who avoid boundaries are “Boundary Squatters”, people who abuse boundaries are like “Boundary Communists”.

What’s yours is theirs.

They make you feel guilty for having boundaries. Their agenda is to make those who have boundaries look divisive, ungenerous, and unkind. They pretend they want mutuality but what they really want is to not be told what to do, get what they want, and not give people the right to say yes or no. They are entitled mini dictators pretending to be one of the people.

Instead of a good neighbor who would sincerely be sorry about trespassing on your property, without permission or negotiation, to plant a tree in the middle of your yard, they will say I am sorry in conjunction with excuses and justifications that somehow include you being responsible or unreasonable. Such as:

• “You can come into my yard anytime and I wouldn’t care”
• “I thought I was being thoughtful. I did it for you”
• “Why are you making this a bigger deal than it is?

The best reason I can give you to embrace the idea that you are a “Boundary Owner” and your boundaries are not up for debate is to eliminate resentment or helplessness from your life.

We are responsible for telling others where the lines are so that if they break them, we can make relationships and circumstances stronger and more trustworthy by discussing them and coming to an agreement. Also to know when it’s time to move on, and get new neighbors.