In the early 13th century people who were noble or of a higher class were expected to act in virtuous and moral ways, especially to those who were less fortunate than them. It’s how their “kind” expressed their “kind-ness”, and that’s how we get the origin of the word. Kindness. Today the definition of kindness, the collective qualities of being generous, friendly and considerate, is rooted in its nobility. The whole concept is associated with virtue and the practice of being good, while the root of the word “nice” is not actually nice at all.

The roots of “nice” are almost in direct opposition to kindness. What is the etymology or root of the word “nice,” you ask? Foolish, stupid, senseless, careless, clumsy, weak, and many other not-so-flattering words. Somehow, the meaning of the word nice changed from insulting to being literally the laziest compliment you can give someone or say about something. It has raised above an insult to, honestly, slightly more than that. Today nice means “something pleasant or agreeable.” Blech.

To add insult to injury, it’s a word that is also deeply rooted in gender bias. What are little girls made of? Sugar, spice, and everything nice. Girls are expected to be sweet. “Nice guys finish last” is a way to tell a man to not be a loser. Niceness is somehow both what girls are fundamentally made of and what guys should strive not to be lest they fail.

Mother Teresa, in her “Do it Anyway” prayer does not mince words (let alone sound “pleasant or agreeable”) when she talks about kindness, “the practice of goodness,” in action—on taking the high road:

“People are often unreasonable, irrational, and self-centered. Forgive them anyway. If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives. Be kind anyway. If you are successful, you will win some unfaithful friends and some genuine enemies. Succeed anyway. If you are honest and sincere people may deceive you. Be honest and sincere anyway. What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight. Create anyway. If you find serenity and happiness, some may be jealous. Be happy anyway. The good you do today will often be forgotten. Do good anyway. Give the best you have, and it will never be enough. Give your best anyway. In the final analysis, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway.”

Kindness, trouble, and courage go hand in hand. If you try to just be nice, people will never accuse you of being selfish or having ulterior motives. You’re just… there. Agreeable. It’ll be hard, to be honest, and sincere with others. You’ll become afraid to live your life out loud out of fear that sincerity alienates others. You will submit to the projection of others instead of the divinity of goodness in you.

The real high road Mother Teresa is talking about is not the fake one people pretend to take out of condescension or envy—bless their hearts. It’s not echoing the original etymology of the word by adding the words “but they’re so nice” to make up for someone else’s shortcomings, implying they are weak or simple. It’s not playing nice with a bully who is mean to others.

Kindness is having the courage to stand up for what is generous, friendly and considerate. This road will inherently be filled with conflict, but it will be meaningful and truthful conflict. The real high road of kindness is leaving all niceness behind, leaving the word nice for such things as describing how the how the weather can be or offering up a sarcastic compliment. I say we embrace kindness and act as people who are better than ourselves and quit being nice at the expense of being truthful.

Kindness over Niceness, any day of the week.

I was at a dinner party recently in a circle of women gathered around a cocktail table when someone mentioned that a couple at the party seemed nice but a bit standoffish. The hostess said, “They’re elitists.” Her words were bathed both, in justification for having them there and embarrassment for the way they came across.

I believe no one questioned what she said because it was clearly felt by everyone. Non-verbal communication is 2/3 of all communication, engaging all of our senses with postures, gestures, eye movements, a tone of voice, touch, and use of proximity or space also known as kinesics, or the study of body language. Clothing is even on the list.

I had naturally sensed the couple’s “vibe” in the room but didn’t give it much thought, other than a common quick first impression that they seemed a little pretentious. They were dressed in dry-clean-only fabrics that were a little too formal for the occasion, and too hot for the weather. Beyond judging the book by its cover, they were also acting strange, observing, rather than interacting. Walking around like one-way mirrors with no reflections. They reminded me a little of a super cool Vampire couple who were vegetarians and wore special sunscreen.

I reacted to the hostess comment, without thinking and said, “It’s creepy!” All the women, who hadn’t flinched at her comment, instantly looked at each other, locked eyes and “shook” them silently. I understood right away what was going on. Who needs words when you the eyes are the windows to the soul?

This female secret eye shake is how women tell each other, in a non-verbal way that they “know better” in the presence of others who don’t. It’s way far-reaching than a handshake. It can be done from across the table, or across a room. Some women are so good they don’t even need eye contact. Like flatfish, they can do it from the side of their heads.

There are only two reasons for the eye shake:

A woman who doesn’t know better considered clueless, and in an effort to accept the way she is, it’s done in an endearing kind way. Or a woman who knows better is perhaps inconsiderate, rude, snarky, and insensitive. Which then the secret eye-shake is done in an effort to watch out for each other. While both maneuvers are highly effective with women, they have no effect on men.

Once the rapid-fire shake was done, the woman on my left in a very forthright East Coast manner said to me, “That doesn’t make them creepy!” Someone else chimed in, “It’s not like they’re spooky!”

In a not so distant past, I would have left the party wishing I had used a different word, riddled with self-doubt and anxious feelings of guilt for saying it. My social anxiety from that “should-have-known-better moment” would have lingered for days, maybe even weeks. I would have ruminated about calling the hostess and apologizing and imagining her saying something like, “Oh, don’t worry about it!”

What else was she going to say?

What about the other women? Was I going to call them too, one by one, and apologize? I would have continued to replay a loop of conversations in my mind, thinking there was no point in having them, then having them again.

Next, I would have asked a good friend what she thought I should do. I imagined her making me feel better by saying, “who cares what they think?” What kind of friend invites a couple to a party, then makes excuses for them in front of her other friends, while they are still there? They should know better!”

Today, it’s easy to know better. Information is available at our fingertips, ranging from meaningless to meaningful. The meaning of words is the new smart. Instead, at the party, I reached for my phone and Googled the definition of the word creepy and read it out loud: “Creepy ‘causing an unpleasant feeling of fear or unease’. Walking around, thinking you are better than others can make other people viscerally feel unpleasant or apprehensive, therefore it can be creepy. This does not mean they are creepy.”

Creepy originally comes from something creeping and “having a creeping feeling in the flesh”. Its modern sense became invisible, and “sensed just the same”. Just like I had sensed their secret eye shake.

Then I explained how the word creepy perfectly described the feeling I had felt as a kid when a “Vampire” would walk into a room during a movie. Vampires are never spooky when you first meet them. You just knew something about them was strange or eery, like their clothes or hair—vampires were the ultimate elites.

“Read it again,” someone else said. I did.

I did. Funny, right? I meant creepy as in, my childhood love of vampire movies! That’s where my meaning was coming from. We all laughed.

Ten minutes later, after we had all moved on to a different topic. The woman on my left addressed me once again in her East Coast accent and said, “I don’t like the dictionary definition”. I thought to myself, what could be more elitist than thinking you’re above a dictionary definition? Then again, I had no idea what she meant by that and wasn’t about to shake on it.

Note: No elitists, east coast women, or party hosts were harmed during the writing of this blog.  

The brighter the fire at night the brighter the light. This is true. However, the more blinding it is. The darker the edges become around the fiery glow. Making it impossible to see other sources of light that illuminate from farther across or further above. Like starlight.

This is because fire is not light.

The darker it looks beyond the fire, the more afraid we become of the dark. The more we stoke the fire and become fire keepers, motivated by fear of the dark, rather than seekers of light. This is how bonding over beliefs, in bondage to fear, becomes a way of life.

Only when we step away from our fires and realize that with only a few embers, and a starry sky everyone can see for miles and evolve from being a fire keeper to a starlight seeker. Stars and suns don’t need to be stoked. They are there to remind us how darkness can never overshadow light. No matter how small light is, all we need is one ray to see who we are in light of the Universe outside our beliefs and fears. We are all stardust.

• Fire: combustion or burning, giving out bright light, heat, and smoke
• Light: the natural agent that stimulates sight and makes things visible