I was at a dinner party recently in a circle of women gathered around a cocktail table when someone mentioned that a couple at the party seemed nice but a bit standoffish. The hostess said, “They’re elitists.” Her words were bathed both, in justification for having them there and embarrassment for the way they came across.
I believe no one questioned what she said because it was clearly felt by everyone. Non-verbal communication is 2/3 of all communication, engaging all of our senses with postures, gestures, eye movements, a tone of voice, touch, and use of proximity or space also known as kinesics, or the study of body language. Clothing is even on the list.
I had naturally sensed the couple’s “vibe” in the room but didn’t give it much thought, other than a common quick first impression that they seemed a little pretentious. They were dressed in dry-clean-only fabrics that were a little too formal for the occasion, and too hot for the weather. Beyond judging the book by its cover, they were also acting strange, observing, rather than interacting. Walking around like one-way mirrors with no reflections. They reminded me a little of a super cool Vampire couple who were vegetarians and wore special sunscreen.
I reacted to the hostess comment, without thinking and said, “It’s creepy!” All the women, who hadn’t flinched at her comment, instantly looked at each other, locked eyes and “shook” them silently. I understood right away what was going on. Who needs words when you the eyes are the windows to the soul?
This female secret eye shake is how women tell each other, in a non-verbal way that they “know better” in the presence of others who don’t. It’s way far-reaching than a handshake. It can be done from across the table, or across a room. Some women are so good they don’t even need eye contact. Like flatfish, they can do it from the side of their heads.
There are only two reasons for the eye shake:
A woman who doesn’t know better considered clueless, and in an effort to accept the way she is, it’s done in an endearing kind way. Or a woman who knows better is perhaps inconsiderate, rude, snarky, and insensitive. Which then the secret eye-shake is done in an effort to watch out for each other. While both maneuvers are highly effective with women, they have no effect on men.
Once the rapid-fire shake was done, the woman on my left in a very forthright East Coast manner said to me, “That doesn’t make them creepy!” Someone else chimed in, “It’s not like they’re spooky!”
In a not so distant past, I would have left the party wishing I had used a different word, riddled with self-doubt and anxious feelings of guilt for saying it. My social anxiety from that “should-have-known-better moment” would have lingered for days, maybe even weeks. I would have ruminated about calling the hostess and apologizing and imagining her saying something like, “Oh, don’t worry about it!”
What else was she going to say?
What about the other women? Was I going to call them too, one by one, and apologize? I would have continued to replay a loop of conversations in my mind, thinking there was no point in having them, then having them again.
Next, I would have asked a good friend what she thought I should do. I imagined her making me feel better by saying, “who cares what they think?” What kind of friend invites a couple to a party, then makes excuses for them in front of her other friends, while they are still there? They should know better!”
Today, it’s easy to know better. Information is available at our fingertips, ranging from meaningless to meaningful. The meaning of words is the new smart. Instead, at the party, I reached for my phone and Googled the definition of the word creepy and read it out loud: “Creepy ‘causing an unpleasant feeling of fear or unease’. Walking around, thinking you are better than others can make other people viscerally feel unpleasant or apprehensive, therefore it can be creepy. This does not mean they are creepy.”
Creepy originally comes from something creeping and “having a creeping feeling in the flesh”. Its modern sense became invisible, and “sensed just the same”. Just like I had sensed their secret eye shake.
Then I explained how the word creepy perfectly described the feeling I had felt as a kid when a “Vampire” would walk into a room during a movie. Vampires are never spooky when you first meet them. You just knew something about them was strange or eery, like their clothes or hair—vampires were the ultimate elites.
“Read it again,” someone else said. I did.
I did. Funny, right? I meant creepy as in, my childhood love of vampire movies! That’s where my meaning was coming from. We all laughed.
Ten minutes later, after we had all moved on to a different topic. The woman on my left addressed me once again in her East Coast accent and said, “I don’t like the dictionary definition”. I thought to myself, what could be more elitist than thinking you’re above a dictionary definition? Then again, I had no idea what she meant by that and wasn’t about to shake on it.
Note: No elitists, east coast women, or party hosts were harmed during the writing of this blog.
APPLE | ORANGE WISDOM 