In the early 13th century people who were noble or of a higher class were expected to act in virtuous and moral ways, especially to those who were less fortunate than them. It’s how their “kind” expressed their “kind-ness”, and that’s how we get the origin of the word. Kindness. Today the definition of kindness, the collective qualities of being generous, friendly and considerate, is rooted in its nobility. The whole concept is associated with virtue and the practice of being good, while the root of the word “nice” is not actually nice at all.

The roots of “nice” are almost in direct opposition to kindness. What is the etymology or root of the word “nice,” you ask? Foolish, stupid, senseless, careless, clumsy, weak, and many other not-so-flattering words. Somehow, the meaning of the word nice changed from insulting to being literally the laziest compliment you can give someone or say about something. It has raised above an insult to, honestly, slightly more than that. Today nice means “something pleasant or agreeable.” Blech.

To add insult to injury, it’s a word that is also deeply rooted in gender bias. What are little girls made of? Sugar, spice, and everything nice. Girls are expected to be sweet. “Nice guys finish last” is a way to tell a man to not be a loser. Niceness is somehow both what girls are fundamentally made of and what guys should strive not to be lest they fail.

Mother Teresa, in her “Do it Anyway” prayer does not mince words (let alone sound “pleasant or agreeable”) when she talks about kindness, “the practice of goodness,” in action—on taking the high road:

“People are often unreasonable, irrational, and self-centered. Forgive them anyway. If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives. Be kind anyway. If you are successful, you will win some unfaithful friends and some genuine enemies. Succeed anyway. If you are honest and sincere people may deceive you. Be honest and sincere anyway. What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight. Create anyway. If you find serenity and happiness, some may be jealous. Be happy anyway. The good you do today will often be forgotten. Do good anyway. Give the best you have, and it will never be enough. Give your best anyway. In the final analysis, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway.”

Kindness, trouble, and courage go hand in hand. If you try to just be nice, people will never accuse you of being selfish or having ulterior motives. You’re just… there. Agreeable. It’ll be hard, to be honest, and sincere with others. You’ll become afraid to live your life out loud out of fear that sincerity alienates others. You will submit to the projection of others instead of the divinity of goodness in you.

The real high road Mother Teresa is talking about is not the fake one people pretend to take out of condescension or envy—bless their hearts. It’s not echoing the original etymology of the word by adding the words “but they’re so nice” to make up for someone else’s shortcomings, implying they are weak or simple. It’s not playing nice with a bully who is mean to others.

Kindness is having the courage to stand up for what is generous, friendly and considerate. This road will inherently be filled with conflict, but it will be meaningful and truthful conflict. The real high road of kindness is leaving all niceness behind, leaving the word nice for such things as describing how the how the weather can be or offering up a sarcastic compliment. I say we embrace kindness and act as people who are better than ourselves and quit being nice at the expense of being truthful.

Kindness over Niceness, any day of the week.

I was at a dinner party recently in a circle of women gathered around a cocktail table when someone mentioned that a couple at the party seemed nice but a bit standoffish. The hostess said, “They’re elitists.” Her words were bathed both, in justification for having them there and embarrassment for the way they came across.

I believe no one questioned what she said because it was clearly felt by everyone. Non-verbal communication is 2/3 of all communication, engaging all of our senses with postures, gestures, eye movements, a tone of voice, touch, and use of proximity or space also known as kinesics, or the study of body language. Clothing is even on the list.

I had naturally sensed the couple’s “vibe” in the room but didn’t give it much thought, other than a common quick first impression that they seemed a little pretentious. They were dressed in dry-clean-only fabrics that were a little too formal for the occasion, and too hot for the weather. Beyond judging the book by its cover, they were also acting strange, observing, rather than interacting. Walking around like one-way mirrors with no reflections. They reminded me a little of a super cool Vampire couple who were vegetarians and wore special sunscreen.

I reacted to the hostess comment, without thinking and said, “It’s creepy!” All the women, who hadn’t flinched at her comment, instantly looked at each other, locked eyes and “shook” them silently. I understood right away what was going on. Who needs words when you the eyes are the windows to the soul?

This female secret eye shake is how women tell each other, in a non-verbal way that they “know better” in the presence of others who don’t. It’s way far-reaching than a handshake. It can be done from across the table, or across a room. Some women are so good they don’t even need eye contact. Like flatfish, they can do it from the side of their heads.

There are only two reasons for the eye shake:

A woman who doesn’t know better considered clueless, and in an effort to accept the way she is, it’s done in an endearing kind way. Or a woman who knows better is perhaps inconsiderate, rude, snarky, and insensitive. Which then the secret eye-shake is done in an effort to watch out for each other. While both maneuvers are highly effective with women, they have no effect on men.

Once the rapid-fire shake was done, the woman on my left in a very forthright East Coast manner said to me, “That doesn’t make them creepy!” Someone else chimed in, “It’s not like they’re spooky!”

In a not so distant past, I would have left the party wishing I had used a different word, riddled with self-doubt and anxious feelings of guilt for saying it. My social anxiety from that “should-have-known-better moment” would have lingered for days, maybe even weeks. I would have ruminated about calling the hostess and apologizing and imagining her saying something like, “Oh, don’t worry about it!”

What else was she going to say?

What about the other women? Was I going to call them too, one by one, and apologize? I would have continued to replay a loop of conversations in my mind, thinking there was no point in having them, then having them again.

Next, I would have asked a good friend what she thought I should do. I imagined her making me feel better by saying, “who cares what they think?” What kind of friend invites a couple to a party, then makes excuses for them in front of her other friends, while they are still there? They should know better!”

Today, it’s easy to know better. Information is available at our fingertips, ranging from meaningless to meaningful. The meaning of words is the new smart. Instead, at the party, I reached for my phone and Googled the definition of the word creepy and read it out loud: “Creepy ‘causing an unpleasant feeling of fear or unease’. Walking around, thinking you are better than others can make other people viscerally feel unpleasant or apprehensive, therefore it can be creepy. This does not mean they are creepy.”

Creepy originally comes from something creeping and “having a creeping feeling in the flesh”. Its modern sense became invisible, and “sensed just the same”. Just like I had sensed their secret eye shake.

Then I explained how the word creepy perfectly described the feeling I had felt as a kid when a “Vampire” would walk into a room during a movie. Vampires are never spooky when you first meet them. You just knew something about them was strange or eery, like their clothes or hair—vampires were the ultimate elites.

“Read it again,” someone else said. I did.

I did. Funny, right? I meant creepy as in, my childhood love of vampire movies! That’s where my meaning was coming from. We all laughed.

Ten minutes later, after we had all moved on to a different topic. The woman on my left addressed me once again in her East Coast accent and said, “I don’t like the dictionary definition”. I thought to myself, what could be more elitist than thinking you’re above a dictionary definition? Then again, I had no idea what she meant by that and wasn’t about to shake on it.

Note: No elitists, east coast women, or party hosts were harmed during the writing of this blog.  

The brighter the fire at night the brighter the light. This is true. However, the more blinding it is. The darker the edges become around the fiery glow. Making it impossible to see other sources of light that illuminate from farther across or further above. Like starlight.

This is because fire is not light.

The darker it looks beyond the fire, the more afraid we become of the dark. The more we stoke the fire and become fire keepers, motivated by fear of the dark, rather than seekers of light. This is how bonding over beliefs, in bondage to fear, becomes a way of life.

Only when we step away from our fires and realize that with only a few embers, and a starry sky everyone can see for miles and evolve from being a fire keeper to a starlight seeker. Stars and suns don’t need to be stoked. They are there to remind us how darkness can never overshadow light. No matter how small light is, all we need is one ray to see who we are in light of the Universe outside our beliefs and fears. We are all stardust.

• Fire: combustion or burning, giving out bright light, heat, and smoke
• Light: the natural agent that stimulates sight and makes things visible

All wars start over territorial matters. Now think of your identity as a territory and your boundaries as your property lines.

A homeowner who knows the location of his property lines is able to use the information to avoid legal disputes. Property lines, or boundary lines, are the defined points where one person’s land ends and the neighboring lands begin. A property owner uses boundary lines to determine where to legally place desired items. Erecting a structure, such as a fence, or using a part of another person’s land can lead to lawsuits and unpleasant situations with neighbors. 

Within our property lines lays our true identity, what is inherently proprietary or proper about who we are: from the Latin root proprius: meaning ‘one’s own, special.

This is why if you see boundaries as property lines you will not see them as right or wrong, but as personal and proper. You are like a “property owner” who negotiates their boundaries without debate because it’s their right. When we let others know where our boundaries are it’s an invitation to embrace and accept what is genuine about us in a genuine way. This gives everyone a choice. With some people a handshake is all we will need to honor our boundaries. With others, large fences with signs that say keep out will be necessary. Always in mind that it is our responsibility to honor our boundaries and that of others.

“When we fail to set boundaries and hold people accountable, we feel used and mistreated. This is why we sometimes attack who they are, which is far more hurtful than addressing a behavior or a choice.”
― Brené Brown,

People who avoid boundaries to avoid confrontation or dispute see boundaries as lines in the sand that can easily be erased and redrawn, or blown away altogether. They believe a boundary conversation will most likely lead to a battle they will lose because they won’t be able to defend it. They often feel helpless and resentful or end up in relationships that are quarrelsome. If people who trust boundaries are like property owners or “Boundary Owners”, people who avoid boundaries are more like “Boundary Squatters”, afraid to lay down boundaries for fear of being wrong, rejected or judged.

Let’s take the example of a woman who “should’a known” better than to borrow her roommate’s new sweater with tags still on it, without asking.” Roommates often agree to borrow each other’s clothes all the time but in this case an unspoken boundary got crossed when one of them borrowed new clothes without asking permission first.

“Boundary Owners” don’t see this as a problem but as an opportunity to reinforce and communicate a boundary meant to make relationships or situations stronger and trustworthy. They are open to negotiate boundaries to reach a mutually beneficial agreement. Which means that while borrowing something new is not up for debate, asking about it may be.

A “Boundary Squatter” believes boundaries are up for debate. Fearing that a boundary negotiation will end up in rejection or judgment, they will vent to others about the roommate being inconsiderate and why she shouldn’t be the one to have to tell her because they feel they can’t win the debate in real life.

If people who avoid boundaries are “Boundary Squatters”, people who abuse boundaries are like “Boundary Communists”.

What’s yours is theirs.

They make you feel guilty for having boundaries. Their agenda is to make those who have boundaries look divisive, ungenerous, and unkind. They pretend they want mutuality but what they really want is to not be told what to do, get what they want, and not give people the right to say yes or no. They are entitled mini dictators pretending to be one of the people.

Instead of a good neighbor who would sincerely be sorry about trespassing on your property, without permission or negotiation, to plant a tree in the middle of your yard, they will say I am sorry in conjunction with excuses and justifications that somehow include you being responsible or unreasonable. Such as:

• “You can come into my yard anytime and I wouldn’t care”
• “I thought I was being thoughtful. I did it for you”
• “Why are you making this a bigger deal than it is?

The best reason I can give you to embrace the idea that you are a “Boundary Owner” and your boundaries are not up for debate is to eliminate resentment or helplessness from your life.

We are responsible for telling others where the lines are so that if they break them, we can make relationships and circumstances stronger and more trustworthy by discussing them and coming to an agreement. Also to know when it’s time to move on, and get new neighbors.

Bullshit (noun): stupid or untrue talk; nonsense. 
Vigilance (noun): keeping careful watch for possible danger or difficulties.

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On his last night on the  The Daily Show, I heard Jon Stewart say there were three kinds of bullshit. He said, “Bullshit… is everywhere. From the innocuous exaggerations that make our life sweeter to intentional cover-ups that try to mislead us away from the truth”.  He went on to say that bullshit was unavoidable and that…

the best offense against bullshit was not defense, but vigilance.

He was right. Once upon a time, I had let my own bullshit lead me far away from the truth. As a result, I had gotten very good at bullshitting others. I created circles of bullshit that reinforced more bullshit. Until, one day. When someone wouldn’t stop asking me questions about the bullshit I was saying, and they called me out. It hadn’t been the first time someone had called me out. My reaction would have been the same as before,  to protect and project that they were the ones full of shit except for the smell.

I was suddenly aware of the smell of shit that I was stinking up my life.

There is a reason we become so accustomed to the smell of our own shit. It’s why people prefer to smell their own farts. According to Huffington Post, “the more familiar you are with something, whether it be a song, picture, or even a smell, the more likely you are to prefer it.” More often than not it takes someone else who is surprised or offended by the smell to tell us. From an evolutionary standpoint, it makes sense. The reason why other people’s farts smell so bad is that this smell mechanism helps us avoid interacting with sources of disease. 

When people are full of shit, they put up a sign that says, “don’t ask me any questions” because A) They don’t want to tell you the answer. B) They don’t want an answer. Or C) they never thought to ask themselves that question. 

You can’t assume which category they fall until you smell something, and say something!

The day I watched Jon Stewart give his farewell speech I went on a walk with a friend. I was telling her about Jon’s farewell speech when a couple walked passed by us and the woman turned around and called my name. 

The last time I saw her, we were little more than strangers on a business trip in 2008, sitting at the bar at The W Hotel in Time Square. For a really long time, until we both smelled something terrible. She told me that our conversation that night changed the course of her life forever because “I had believed that the truth was deep inside of her—she just couldn’t see it”. Or smell it until then. 

She also asked me if I remembered how much she cried. I did, but instead, I said no. I admit this was “innocuous bullshit” on my part to make her feel better. Jon did say that bullshit is unavoidable, we might as well use it for good and not evil. Besides, we were out in the open air, she could barely smell anything.

Thank you, Jon.

Your fan,

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